I really don't know what to say. Whenever I'm happy, that happiness is stolen from me by my mom. After Unity Night last night, she yelled at me and told me that I don't have my priorities straight. She won't let me go back to Cross+Training until i finish my college apps. And if i dont finish them by this week, she won't let me go to the band competition on Saturday. Ironic how she won't let me serve God. I don't see how college is SO important that it overshadows God. Blasphemy.
And today, my mom brought food for Christian, but since he's in Drumline he has to stay almost an hour after practice, so i left the food with Ephraim so that Christian could get his food. Turns out Christian didn't get his food, because Ephraim had to go and left it with Gerry. So my mom told me to haul ass onto the car and she drove me to school, screaming and yelling about how it's all her fault she never raised me right. We then found the food near the band room, and took it to Christian, so i guess that's the only good thing that turned out today.
Don't take this seriously, but on the way back home, i thought about suicide. i had these dark thoughts of just unbuckling the seat belt and jumping out the car, or just grabbing a kitchen knife and ending it all there. But it won't end like that, because my only hope is heaven, and if i committed suicide i wouldn't be able to go to heaven. Yup. So don't worry about me. Nothing will happen to me. I promise. But yeah. I really feel that I was born a mistake and that nothing I do benefits my family. These last few weeks my parents have yelled at me separately for different reasons. The grief is really hurting me. But I will endure. Like the last 16 years of my life, I will just hide my pain from my parents and lock it up. Because my mom has shown me that I am nothing. I'm a mistake. HER mistake. Life sucks. The only joys i have in my life are my friends and my love. They're the reason i endure my mom's threats and complaints. But it seems like whenever I'm happy, its taken away a few hours later. I know my mom cares about me and really wants me to succeed, but really? This is too much. I can't bring myself to hate her, but right now, I don't love her.
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albert, it's easy to feel that way.. but know that feelings change and what you're saying is out of anger. your mom isn't placing school over God; she just wants you to succeed. see her good intentions in that. I am sure she supports cross-training, but college is approaching and that does need to be taken care of. crosstraining will be here when you come back. you don't mean what you say, I promise. p.s. good luck on your apps.
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